Parenting

In front of our cabin

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Helping Children (and Ourselves) Adjust to a new Family Travel Lifestyle

I am not a psychiatrist or an expert on parenting, if I was maybe I wouldn’t be writing this post.

Hell, if I was I probably wouldn’t have quit my job and bought tickets halfway around the world.

But, I have been traveling 6 weeks now with my wife and 2 small children taking on roadschooling, sharing often small rooms and small beds in confined places and traveling through some difficult to negotiate places.

I have been learning to manage a fledgling online business with spotty internet and very limited connections.

Almost every day I bookmark something that I will turn to as a highlight in my book of life. Everyday our learning and life experience grows exponentially.

My children have been asked to break out of every comfortable routine they have ever had, my wife and I have had to learn to work as a strong and unified team, we have all had to learn to work together.

Rooming together has had its ups and downs. It has led to some real memorable bedtime talks as a family that I will never forget, also it has led to children rolling off beds, legs on our heads, long periods of involuntary abstinence and difficult evenings when everybody is tired (most notably the two times after we had 23 hour flights!)

Many parenting books talk about giving children space to vent and cool off if they are overtired and are throwing a fit. This is not so hard when you are in the comfort of your home, in a hotel at 11pm when everyone is sleeping or in a long line after 2 hours of sitting in customs this can be very challenging.

I wrote both my parents the other day describing some of the difficulties we have experienced over the last two weeks:

  • Our six year olds resistance to homeschooling.
  • Some truly epic meltdowns when everyone is overtired, hungry or thirsty.
  • Homesickness

There were several times in the past 2 weeks that I was ready to throw in the proverbial towel and just book a flight home already. Family travel is great when everyone is happy, but when people are overtired, overheated and in search of a good meal things can go sour pretty fast.

My mom, a schoolteacher of 30 years, who raised my sister and I, is the epitome of zen in the face of a childhood meltdown.

She had this to say:

I really found this to be true in dealing with children. They don’t know what is wrong or have the skills to cope so they act out. Many adults have the same lack of skills!

She hit the nail on the head on this one!

Sometimes in the middle of a truly wonderful day one of our children will act out over what seems to be the tiniest things.

This has been amplified over the last 2 weeks.

It can present as rudeness, a lack of empathy, bickering, complaining etc. etc.

I believe it all has a common core, one that requires we as parents to react with love, empathy and a calm demeanor.

Beyond the culture, beyond the animals, beyond the unique smells, new foods and amazing people there is something else that can grow out of family travel.

A strong family: 

  • One that treats each other and everyone around them with respect
  • A family that reacts with kindness and love in all situations
  • A family that has a desire to understand and identify with the struggles of others
  • A family that respects one another
  • That embraces lifelong learning

These things, which I thought were simple and obvious become more difficult when we are stressed.

Travel does create stress, which can lead to cracks in your armor. It has exposed many of my own, and I believe at the end of the year it will be this mission, this goal to become a stronger more loving and generous family that will be our greatest reward as well as our greatest challenge!

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The Nine Qualities of Highly Successful Families

Strong, Healthy Families

From the early 1900’s, family studies focused mostly on the weaknesses within families.

Beginning in the 1960s, however, a few outlier scholars started trying to identify the traits healthy families have in common. Herbert Otto, of the University of Utah, made one of the first lists. It included: shared religious and moral values; consideration; common interests; love and happiness of children; working and playing together.

By 1989, there were enough of these lists that the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services invited a dozen researchers to a conference in Washington, DC, and asked them to find common ground on this issue. As the organizers stated on the eve of the conference,

“Researchers, policy makers, and the media have focused considerable attention on how some families are failing. Much less attention has been paid to strong, healthy families, and the characteristics that make them successful.”

Each scientist in attendance had already published a list of the qualities successful families share. For the first time, though, organizers closely reviewed two dozen of these lists to see if they could establish consensus. According to them, it was remarkably easy. The master list contained nine items.

The Nine Qualities of Successful Families

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1. Communication

Family members talk to one another often, in a manner that’s honest, clear, and open, even when they disagree.

2. Encouragement of individuals

Strong families appreciate each member’s uniqueness while cultivating a sense of belonging to the whole.

3. Commitment to the family

Members of successful families make it clear to one another,and to the world, that their allegiance to their family is strong.

4. Religious/ spiritual well-being

Researchers concluded that a shared value system and moral code were common among highly functioning families. But they said these values were not contingent on membership in any denomination or frequent attendance at worship services.

5. Social connectedness

Successful families are not isolated; they are connected to the wider society, and they reach out to friends and neighbors in crisis.

6. Adaptability

Strong families are structured yet flexible, and they adjust their structure in response to stress.

7. Appreciativeness

People in strong families care deeply for one another, and they express their feelings often. Even if some members are not naturally expressive, they communicate their emotions by doing meaningful things for others.

8. Clear roles

Members of successful families are aware of their responsibilities to the group.

9. Time together

Members of strong families spend time together doing things they enjoy.

The conference results were pubslished in a study by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services called: Identifying Successful Families: An Overview of Constructs and Selected Measure

While nothing specific came out of the project, it did coincide with (and perhaps help legitimize) a much more popular effort in this space, written by Stephen Covey:

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families